A recent decision from Franklin County Common Pleas Court Judge David Cain reminds us that Judges do have sense of humor. Judge Cain was confronted with an inmate’s lawsuit alleging corrections officers caused him to soil his pants. The inmate sought $2 million in damages for harassment, embarrassment and emotional distress. Judge Cain dispensed with the lawsuit in his written opinion, stating:
Cold showers caused his bowels to malfunction
Or so the plaintiff claims
A strict uncaring prison guard
Is whom the plaintiff blames.
While in line for recreation
And little time for hesitation
His anal sphincter just exploded
The plaintiff’s britches quickly loaded.
It made the inmates laugh and play
To see the plaintiff’s pants this way
The foul, unsightly, putrid mess
Caused the plaintiff major stress.
Claiming loss and shame to boot
The plaintiff filed the present suit
But the law provideth no relief
From such unmitigated grief.
Neither runs nor constipation
Can justify this litigation
Whether bowels constrict or flex
De minimus non curat lex.
The last line is a Latin phrase and legal maxim meaning, “the law does not concern itself with trifles.” Apparently, neither does Judge Cain. Judge Cain’s poetic opinion dismissed the lawsuit in its entirety.